Boundary Issues.

Egad. Little ole indian me, has a lot to learn,  and is awfully slow at it!

So I learnt of another concept recently. "Boundary Issues." Its a fancy name, and Google-whore that I am, I of course explored, read and looked up more. From the time and the situation which threw this new term my way, to this whole internet exploring route....I went from curious, to angry to just plain sad.

Boundary issues are basically, an American-ism for the good old "respecting privacy", I think.

So yes, when it comes to smoking, drugs, peeing in public (indians!!), not following traffic rules and helping yourself to someones precious-es.... its not something I think is polite,or considerate. Hence, I don't hesitate to blacklist such acts right away. But I am not sure if I am subscribing to Boundary Issues in doing so.

Recently, a friend was diagnosed by another kind-of-friend , to have "severe boundary issues". This because, this one character has a casual way of helping him/herself to things...like a pen, half a biscuit, an umbrella if its raining, a sweater if its cold...etc....without really asking. He/She does this ONLY with those folks whom he/she considers "friends".... and always notifies the individual. "I borrowed your umbrella/ mmmm ... this oatmeal cookie is sinful...." etc. 

Look. Ive grown up with half a dozen siblings-and-cousins combination. We didn't have the best of everything, or a lot. Fancy color pencils were shared, text books and sweaters were handed down, and more handed down. Toys were meant to be played with, footballs were to be kicked around, and if its kicked around inside the house and a lamp would break, who kicked it would be irrelevant...how many kids were kicking it around was the key factor. 

We would share. We learnt to give, and take, we learnt to ask, and we learnt not get personally offended if a crayon is broken or missing. Having said that, however.... we also knew how to understand and respect someone's sense of ownership. Some people are extremely possessive about their toy/sports equipment/desk space/bathroom space etc. Some folks , and kids, too; want to savor that feeling of a "new" something.... and the fact that it is is special, and "belongs" to someone.... is also to be sympathized with...be it a new doll, or a new SUV! 

 Possessive.... thats a way of saying you dont want to share! I wouldn't allow a random brat to touch my books, for example.... but someone who would be able to respect, and return it....for sure!!

 Someone got a new gadget the other day.... and of course, everyone wanted to see. This guy wanted to show it to everyone,too. Thats a part of the thrill, non? But yes.... you can "see" a gadget... he expressed clear displeasure and discomfort when someone wanted to "use" it for about five minutes.:D. But that is fine.... We all understood that this guy was still giddy on his new toy, and that it wasn't the right time to claim stake in/to it! No hard feelings!!

I was reading this woman's blog as I read up "Boundary Issues". Im not defending anyone, or playing the blame game. But what irked me, was that this was the very essence of "Boundary Issues" that prompted me to talk about it and learn about it. People in our times and life, would rather sit on the fence, than dig in, help...and dirty their hands. Of course, the woman could have said one of at least three things to help the old-dame to get her thinking right, and she was of course, NOT obligated to extend monetary aid....but well...this attitude of I will know, but not extend help...is bizarre!! If I present   a problem, or is presented with one... (emotional/boyfriend related/ career sorts/calculus equation sorts....), its because we need to talk to someone, get it off our chests...and allow someone else to tell us the right thing that we need to hear, even if we know it.

If I call a friend, and tell her/him that my car has a flat, or that my dad is in hospital, or that my dog is really ill....its not because I want to share or that I need to get it off my chest. Its a call for bloody help!! Do we know, when to back off, or when to actually help? Why would I NOT want to help someone, because that person just "needs"a hand, not a dang-blasted hug!

Of course, "Boundary Issues" are in place when it comes to manner-less folks behaving in crass ways. One says..I dint get the scholarship/ I lost my XYZ fairy godmother/ I went through a divorce....etc.... one has to know he/she is not the one to ask for details. I hate it, when like some folks I know, would respond to such with a "tell how!", "So does that mean you havent sex in a year...". All meant to be witty....but this crass lack of manners...reflects on lack of manners and feeling, not "Boundary Issues".

I had a co worker...who would get lunch for me EVERYDAY as she lived with her mum, and I shared my tomato-samwhich-brekker with her. We shared space, stationary and everything...without having to ask. We were really good friends,and even wore matching shirts to work one day!It could have looked to others in office that we had "Boundary Issues"...but we were really cool. I jsut knew she hated having her nailpolish bottles touched, and she knew how I hated anyone drinking from my water bottle.:P  We lived a happily ever after.:P:D

Its a sad term, this case. I have never felt it. I have heard strangers talk to me of situations that are so alien to me, and even though I have nothing to do with their lives, I listen...because I realize they need to talk. I haven't been able to label them with "Boundary Issues". 

The half a dozen souls in my life who are super precious to me have gone through bizarre times. Such times, in retrospection...could happen to anyone. If it wasn't to someone who is so close , I would have still listened, helped, and been there in person. I understood,maybe, thats when we would call in "Boundary Issues". When we, as passive friends/listeners...would be confused and disgusted by the blatant awkwardness and lack of social grace...from someone who is dealing with things. We just get scared, and unsettled. And hence would rather sit on the fence. And call it "Boundary Issues". Is that it?

I realize how we dont like to share, our things, our thoughts and feelings. How we dont like to give, or take....without attaching a little flag of askance,gratitude and returning the favour. It saddens me because we are so far from just bing civil and well mannered. Because It enables us to be so far removed.because is gives us a right NOT to be a friend beyond our comfort zone. because the more we make such words....the more we are just killing it.

Yesterday, a guy friend of mine, after our swim.... was telling me how his girlfriend had "boundary issues." I had to prod. Turned put, they live together etc, and she casually helps herself to his sweater, a ciggie, a bit of food from his plate,his MP3 player, or his frying pan!! I had to laugh at this point.

Does she demand him to take off his sweater when she wants to borrow it. Negative. Does she ask him to stop cooking, to borrow the frying pan,maybe to grow plants in?! Negative!!

I said ,"Look. You have a problem sharing. If you don't want to grow up about sharing your space, sweater and a ciggie.... You have had a terribly deprived childhood. If you aren't up for much intimacy, tell her. If you really feel so strongly about your frying pan...you should talk to her about it. But for god's sake.... don't make it sound like she has a disease!"

Boundary Issues my arse!