I am not a very relationship person. I have meandered in and out of relationships. Some I was heartbroken about. Some, surprising to myself, I ended very coldly. Some I was casually flippant about, and some, well... was difficult to deal with.
I have regrets about no one, and nothing. I have hurt no one, nor been bad to anyone. Really, I havent hurt anyone. And I have never been dishonest at any stage of any relationship. Most importantly, I gave nothing of myself, my commitment...and I have never been in a situation where we nearly saw marriage, and then things took a turn. I have never, to be fair, been disappointed and hurt that way. So there.
Truth is, I love being Single.I love walking by myself, I love going to watch a movie by myself, or to a concert or a play. I like not having to plan with someone, to wait for someone. I like going for an early morning swim or run, instead of cuddling under the blanket for a bit. No, at times I want to,too...just not having someone makes it easier to get out of bed!
I love walking into a restaurant, and eating by myself. It is my mostest favoritest thing in the world. I love traveling,too. I hate having another half to me....I don't get to say hello to so many folks that way! I like stomping around on the streets. I like staring at people when I am alone. I love Subway rides by myself. Oh, those are such precious moments. I make new friends when I am alone, It is easier to talk to strangers in ANY place...nearest bar or faraway exotic town,...if your other half isnt with you!
I like eating irregularly, and irregular things. Like breakfast food for dinner, and cold leftover chinese takeaway for breakfast. I hate talking in the morning. I love having a cat/dog/monkey/calf all to myself to mess with. And I know that my books and stationary are everywhere, and looks untidy....but thats how I like it. Everything else has to be super clean. I am a cleanliness freak. And I can't stand someone else messing things up for me.
So why am I in a relationship. What am I doing right now. I ask myself very often, these days, and I am commitment phobic Shitting-bricks style.
But that will come later. Another Blog post maybe.
I was going through the Shoebox I had here in Kenya. The shoebox where I keep old maps, envelopes, letter, stones, a tattered book jacket, a pocket notebook full of trip plans and notes, bills from a restaurant, a coaster stolen from a bar, paper napkins with a message, a bottle cap... basically clean garbage.
I found an envelope, in which Old Fart had given me a birthday present in 2010. Before we were dating. Before I even had any inkling of what catastrophic stars-and-moons would shine on us. Old Fart has no idea what to give me, but gathered that his usual "safe" option of gifting CDs or books, would completely earn him brownie points as far as Sajani was concerned. He gave me book coupons, I think because he didn't have ANY idea what kind of books I read.
On that envelope, he scribbled a few lines of "Forever Young". I hate Dylan, I love that song. I kept that envelope, because it was a gesture, that people like Anushree, my mum or someone from home, someone who knew me, would give to me. Send me a song, or a poem, or a little bit of their thoughts scribbled to me.
I didnt think, or didnt think clearly when I stashed that envelope away.
Last night, when I found it, I realized that sometimes, I need some-one else in my life. Sometimes, I dont like doing the "Its My Life" and "I like, I want, I will...." way of living. And for that, I sent a mental hug to Old Fart. For just being a terribly dorky Old Fart who didnt know what kind of books I would want to read, but would always play me a good song/piece when I needed to.
I have regrets about no one, and nothing. I have hurt no one, nor been bad to anyone. Really, I havent hurt anyone. And I have never been dishonest at any stage of any relationship. Most importantly, I gave nothing of myself, my commitment...and I have never been in a situation where we nearly saw marriage, and then things took a turn. I have never, to be fair, been disappointed and hurt that way. So there.
Truth is, I love being Single.I love walking by myself, I love going to watch a movie by myself, or to a concert or a play. I like not having to plan with someone, to wait for someone. I like going for an early morning swim or run, instead of cuddling under the blanket for a bit. No, at times I want to,too...just not having someone makes it easier to get out of bed!
I love walking into a restaurant, and eating by myself. It is my mostest favoritest thing in the world. I love traveling,too. I hate having another half to me....I don't get to say hello to so many folks that way! I like stomping around on the streets. I like staring at people when I am alone. I love Subway rides by myself. Oh, those are such precious moments. I make new friends when I am alone, It is easier to talk to strangers in ANY place...nearest bar or faraway exotic town,...if your other half isnt with you!
I like eating irregularly, and irregular things. Like breakfast food for dinner, and cold leftover chinese takeaway for breakfast. I hate talking in the morning. I love having a cat/dog/monkey/calf all to myself to mess with. And I know that my books and stationary are everywhere, and looks untidy....but thats how I like it. Everything else has to be super clean. I am a cleanliness freak. And I can't stand someone else messing things up for me.
So why am I in a relationship. What am I doing right now. I ask myself very often, these days, and I am commitment phobic Shitting-bricks style.
But that will come later. Another Blog post maybe.
I was going through the Shoebox I had here in Kenya. The shoebox where I keep old maps, envelopes, letter, stones, a tattered book jacket, a pocket notebook full of trip plans and notes, bills from a restaurant, a coaster stolen from a bar, paper napkins with a message, a bottle cap... basically clean garbage.
I found an envelope, in which Old Fart had given me a birthday present in 2010. Before we were dating. Before I even had any inkling of what catastrophic stars-and-moons would shine on us. Old Fart has no idea what to give me, but gathered that his usual "safe" option of gifting CDs or books, would completely earn him brownie points as far as Sajani was concerned. He gave me book coupons, I think because he didn't have ANY idea what kind of books I read.
On that envelope, he scribbled a few lines of "Forever Young". I hate Dylan, I love that song. I kept that envelope, because it was a gesture, that people like Anushree, my mum or someone from home, someone who knew me, would give to me. Send me a song, or a poem, or a little bit of their thoughts scribbled to me.
I didnt think, or didnt think clearly when I stashed that envelope away.
Last night, when I found it, I realized that sometimes, I need some-one else in my life. Sometimes, I dont like doing the "Its My Life" and "I like, I want, I will...." way of living. And for that, I sent a mental hug to Old Fart. For just being a terribly dorky Old Fart who didnt know what kind of books I would want to read, but would always play me a good song/piece when I needed to.
1 comment:
On a scale of 1- 100 you know how much I love this post? Ha ha, ofcourse you do. Miss you.
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