" when i grow older, i will be stronger.".... 2 am. cha. @142.

Did anyone tell you what a feeling it is to do up your own pad? Have friends over on those evenings?
Did anyone ever tell you that you would miss your parents awfully much?
Did anyone ever tell you that on certain evening the city-you-grew-up-in would whisper deafeningly your name ,and what do you do then?


How happy are you really, when your best friend gets married? To a man/ girl whom you don’t know at all.
How exciting is it, when a close friends gets engaged, and you are still solo moonwalking in some far removed orbit.
When a boy you had a night with is now with another girl? Is it the same as an ex- boy / ex girl getting married?
And within the same week, older friends who have been together since forever, just walked separate paths ?
And they tell you , within that week, that you are to be a god mother?


Did they tell you that its ok to be proud of a friend who chucked his 8 figure job to play football?
Did they tell you that its ok to be proud of a friend who turned back on 25 years , wife-and/or-kids/parents ,and he whored himself to a three piece suit job in Honolulu or Kohima?
Did they tell you if its ok to be proud of a friend who is just happy doing what he is doing…. Even if its not much in your dictionary?
Did they tell you to be happier for the friend who finally was able to buy the second hand car, or that someone casually swapped a Honda for a Skoda? ( or should it be vice versa )


Were you aware that you have done so much, grown up so much.. that returning to where you come from scares you to unimaginability?
Were you aware that you were away for so long …. that family is a planned appointment?
Were you aware, that you are such a different person at work, that you no longer remember if you wanted to be a lorry driver at 6, or a crime detective at 15?
Were you aware that the song that your dad would sing to you when you were little, is not on your iPod?


Had you ever imagined that you could spend an entire afternoon crying? For no reason but because you were glad, relieved, grieved, elated and tired ?
Had you ever imagined when watching the rains, that the coconut fronds dance ? that the flamingo is always pink. That the jacaranda and the gul mohar are a jugalbandhi?
Had you ever imagined, that your quickest and bestest lesson was when baba taught you gravity at the bus stop. Or before you left the house, ma told you not to talk to strange men?
Had you even imagined that sepia was a colour? Or that musk was a fruit? Like my nose is a button mushroom?


Did they explain to you why you craved for a cha conversation late night? Or early evening? That your cha partner relationship was more un holy than a fuck buddy relationship?
Did they tell you how to talk of a vinigraitte salad , cucumber in garlic yoghurt with a white of your choice, when you are actually a aloo parantha , idli rasam, daal chawal or cornflakes and milk person?
Did they warn you that someday, you would have heard so many wise people, that you could no longer hear yourself?


What was it that you weren’t warned of when you celebrated your last birthday?
What was it that you weren’t alerted of the last time you got onto a bus? Or a plane?
What was it that you weren’t prepared for when you handed in your papers, and stood outside your new office?
What was it that you weren’t reminded of when you found yourself leaving a city for another? Yet again, another city?


Did you know, that everytime you cooked a meal, you put in a bit of your mother, a bit of your genes, a cereal of what your upbringing was about, and a garnishing of who you are, and what you like today?
Did you know, that every time you buy yourself a new dress, your Ma is folding away another little lacy frock, with a matching hair ribbon? Perhaps for your child? Wrapped in that paper, and a naphthalene ball for good luck?
Did you know that every time you zip down the road, burn rubber, feel good….you just took a little bit of help from your friends? Tomorrow dude, they said, go for it.

Who told you why you’d hate hanging with people who aren’t in the same place as you are? Them being couples when you are single? Them yearning and you earning? ( or vice versa). Them having what all and you having your all?
Who told you if your mum would really be your best friend when you did something bad ? If Dad would still come to pick you up at the train station when you have your own car, or those company comforts?
Who told you that an older sibling is at times mammothly more than you parents? Or that a younger sibling is more precious that your child?
Who told you where to cry , when the dog you grew up ,with died without you?

Who told you that in the midst of being proud of all that you’ve done for yourself, you might become…. Its bloody scary because it makes you realize that that all you got is yourself?