The Kitchen Diaries.

I cannot cook.
No. I shall not pretend that I can but wont. I shall bluff you not by saying that i am just not imaginative enough.
Apologies. But I canNOT cook so much, I could write a book on it.

Let me tell you, that I am very familiar with the kitchen. I know the veggies and fruits like I know my books. I know that milk does not tolerate a lemon flavor. I know never to scrub Teflon. I know sugar from salt. I still can cook though.

Maggi. There are so far, 22 ways of screwing up Maggi. The water evaporates. The masala loses taste. The thing can get too soupy. Too dry. Boil the noodles first. Boil the masala first. Maggi is like every Delhi house wifes rajmah chawal recipe. Everyone has their own way of making it. Thus if you call someone for instructions, it’s a new way of making it, which literally, feeds the sink. I cannot make Maggi. I love you , if you do.
Rice. It is more difficult to make rice in a rice cooker. The gadgetry business should be taken out of food. Rice in the pressure cooker. The Mother knows never to ask me to do that. It is only another Maggi. She was figured, that perhaps if I can SEE the rice while its being made, perhaps I can manage to have it made. Haha. Try low flame, add more water to control the froth, watch the froth again, imagine sea foam and bath water, and before you know it, all the rice is on the gas stove in a pool of starch. No. I no can do rice. ( ps: she figured that I cannot even “watch” the rice… and holler when things were going overboard. I screwed up there too. )
Boiling eggs. I have tried once. In Nasik. Where I used four to eggs to have the fifth one boiled. Never after.
Veggies. Once the Brother and I were home alone. Well aware that I cant cook, he had just asked me to boil the veggies. French Beans. Carrots. Peas. Broad beans. Potatoes . And all that he had chopped up. The carrots had turned green. Did you know that no element of carotene can absorb chlorophyll , even in an osmotic action. (yes I have researched much, but haven’t found an answer to this one.)

Things to watch out for.
a. A pressure cooker. Be careful of how you open it. Watch you put/ throw things into it. The whistle thingie is DANGEROUS. I ended up with a Holy Mary of a blister. I was just boiling dal.
b. Frying pan. Tell me if this has happened to you. When trying to fry/ scramble/ whatever eggs…have you put a teaspoon of oil ? And then cracked the egg over it. But there was just one 4 cm diametered little egg over where the oil was….. in one little asymmetrical corner of the round frying pan. What else goes on the rest of the space?
c. Microwave. Have you tried putting dahi into it? Do not try. Have you tried boiling water in it. For gods sake, drink out of the geyser.
d. Chopping . I cut like a bihari. I can never get a perfect disc or cake type of a slice of anything EVER. It just turns out to be a spiral. Imagine a flat broad spiral of tomato, a spiral of tinda, a spiral of a bean, a spiral of louki or gobhi? ( wait a minute… why was I trying to slice a gobhi? Are you supposed to do that??)
e. Atta and maida. You need LOADS of atta . but never more than a pinch of maida in anything. The difference …? Atta stays in the big dabba, and maida stays in its packet only. Atta can be doughed and put into the fridge, but no one does that to maida. Use the maida when you need to fry. Atta does not fry (???)
f. Quantity. Use a test tube. In fact use ALL lab apparatus that you can find. You cannot go wrong. Aaah !!! simple. I should actually consider furnishing my kitchen like a chem lab !! Then perhaps I can cook things correctly.
g. Nimbu paani. Here is what I figured. A pinch of Tide makes the PERFECT nimboo pani. The Perfectest. Clearest. Tastiest.
h. Aloo. Why would anyone call the vegetable “aloo”. God…. Would you want to love someone named “aloo” ?? Or learn a language called “aloo” ?? Or go visit a place called “Aloo”? That explains why potatoes in pressure cookers, in their jackets, minced in jeera, sauced in whatnot just CRAVE for your attention. And no, they are never quite right. ( btw…. I have had potatoes turn green too…. JUST potatoes. What is it with green boiling??) Aloo. Really…. Aloo ?!?!

Things I have done. Made boiled veggies in an electric kettle. Had jal jeera flavoured cha. Made soup from bhindi. Made an omlette with half an egg and half a bottle of hot dog relish. Sautéed cherries in the microwave. Had ice cream sandwiches. Made Uncle Chipps sandwiches!!!

There I certain things I make mean. ( and I mean… MEAAAAN)
Cha. Coffee. ( I am a professional cha and coffee maker) . Tomato sandwiches. Eggs. ( I think). Corn flakes. (Those who have had it, know that I do).
Do I dare say that I can cook??!!